


If and Only If

by WhatBusinessDoYouHaveOnMars



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Coming Out, Dirty Jokes, F/M, Fluff, M/M, everyone ships solangelo, percy hates high school, teenagers being disgusting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-03 02:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10233734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatBusinessDoYouHaveOnMars/pseuds/WhatBusinessDoYouHaveOnMars
Summary: Takes place instead of Trials of Apollo, a few months after the war.  Nico has started to feel stifled at camp so when Will asks him to join his search for Apollo, Nico jumps at the chance to be on the move again.  Over the course of the quest with his friends he realizes a few things: just how over Percy he is, how genuinely happy he is to have Jason as a friend, and how great it is to have Will in his life (once he gets past the initial irritation). Not to mention, starts to feel comfortable in his own skin to the point where he finally dubs himself "almost a normal person." Mostly Nico's POV but Jason's will show up and maybe some others.





	1. Phase One: Complete (Sort Of)

NICO

It all started when, for the third night in a row, I was woken up in the middle of the night by a panicked knocking on the Hades cabin door. Now, take this with a grain of salt because of course I’ve been known to sleep for a week straight after a particularly grueling shadow travel, but when I’m not on the brink of death, I’m actually a really light sleeper. So I jump out of bed, not bothering to put on a shirt, and go greet my guest in only my boxers. You know, as you do. 

I don’t bother to check the peephole; there’s really only one person who ever visits me at this hour. I mean, there are a few others I’d like to visit me, but this being the third night in a row, I can pretty much count on no surprises. I pull the door open and sigh. “You know, if this is going to become a regular thing, you might as well just go to sleep here in the first pla-”

I stop abruptly, absolutely mortified because my eyes are just starting to adjust to the dark, and I’m realizing that the messy blond hair I see in front of me is not in fact attached to Jason. It belongs to Will Solace. 

The fact that this is an undeniably strange situation wherein he woke me up at two in the morning and then I came to greet him in only my boxers does not deter Will from walking into my cabin like he owns the place. “I’ve said it before, Nico, and I’ll say it again: this decor is bad for your health. Can’t we turn on a light or something?” Without so much as waiting for my permission, he finds the light switch and flicks it on. 

I cross my arms across my chest and try to glare and squint at the same time as my eyes adjust. “What do you want, Will?”

He grins. “What makes you think I want something?”

“…Because it’s two in the morning and you’ve got a bag packed.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Yeah well obser- … hey.” Something has apparently just occurred to him. He narrows his eyes. 

“What?”

“Who were you expecting to show up at your door at 2 in the morning?”

Shit. “No one.”

Unfortunately, Will isn’t always as slow on the uptake as he looks. “You were expecting Jason.” He frowns. “How come?” He doesn’t look too happy. Actually, he looks positively crestfallen and I’m not sure why.

“Um.” I say intelligently. The truth is that like all demigods, Jason has nightmares. Unlike most demigods, Jason lives in a cabin all by himself (like yours truly) so if he can’t fall back asleep he’s gotten into the habit of coming over and sleeping in Hazel’s bed. Even more embarrassingly, I’ve been known to do the same thing to him. So it wasn't exactly something I wanted to get into with Will. But he’s still waiting for an answer. “Oh, you know…” I flounder for a couple more seconds. “It’s the ADHD.” I shrug to convey that this is a supremely uninteresting topic that we should drop sooner rather than later. “We’re both light sleepers. He comes over sometimes to hang out.” 

This is so close to the truth that Will has no business questioning it, but he raises his eyebrows in disbelief. “I’m sure.” 

“So what are you doing here?” I change the subject. 

The obnoxious grin returns. “Glad you asked. I’m sneaking out.”

“And you need a ride, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” he admits. “But I also have a proposition to make.” 

I roll my eyes. “Lay it on me.”

“Do you want to come with me?” He asks.

I think about it. I don’t know where he’s planning on going or what he’s planning on doing there, but I so desperately need a change from day to day activities at camp that I hesitate for less than a second. Plus there’s this nervous hope in his eyes that might be my imagination, but either way… “Absolutely I do!”

Will’s whole face lights up. “Really!?”

“Hell yeah!”

He does a little jump up and down in excitement thing. “That’s fantastic! I’ll help you pack! I’ve got all the demigod stuff- nectar, ambrosia- the works. Just get your sword and some extra clothes. We have to leave soon before someone realizes I’m missing.”

“Ok.” I get a backpack and begin filling it with the essentials. “I do have one condition, though.”

“Oh, great,” he complains. “What is it?”

“Nothing too terrible,” I assure him. “It’s just that there’s someone else who I’m guessing needs a break from life, and…well. I happen to owe her a favor.”

It’s kind of funny to watch Will’s face as he goes down his mental list of all females I might owe a favor before he comes to the correct conclusion. “You want to bring Annabeth as your plus one?” he grumps in disbelief.

“If that's a deal breaker, good luck finding another ride.”

He snorts. “Even your shadow travel prowess isn’t strong enough to carry you, me, Annabeth, and your ego.”

Just for that I cut the lights (no light switch necessary when you’re the son of Hades), grab his wrist and shadow travel us to a back alley on the Upper East Side. I guess if I’d stopped to think about it I wouldn’t have elected to take us basically to Percy’s door step, but I’d look crazy for trying to backtrack now. So I drag a disoriented Will out onto the main street and give him a few seconds to adjust. 

“Remind me never to shadow travel in the middle of the night again,” Will whines. “I need sunlight to recover from that.”

“Oh please, you’re fine.”

“Where are we, anyway?”

I say a quick, silent thank you to whoever is responsible for him not knowing we’re within approximately 10 feet of the Jackson residence. “I don’t know. Manhattan.”

He narrows his eyes. “Doesn’t Annabeth live in Brooklyn?”

“I have no idea.” I shrug. “I mean, yeah I think she does, I just came here out of reflex.” As I say this, though, I realize I have absolutely no idea where she lives. I thought she had been in boarding school with Thalia when she was living here a few years ago but now I assume she goes to Percy’s high school so I don’t know. Something about Will knowing more about the Percy/Annabeth situation than I do makes me irrationally angry, but I try to shake it off. I toss him a drachma. “Wanna I.M. her?”

He doesn’t ask me why I can’t do it myself, and he doesn't say anything as he pulls out a flashlight and spray bottle and hands them to me. I hold the flashlight in one hand and the spray bottle in the other and get a pitiful rainbow going. Will tosses the coin and says the appropriate prayer quickly because it’s clear this is going to be a short conversation. 

If I’m being honest, the reason I can’t be the one to IM Annabeth is that I’m worried she’ll be with Percy. And yeah, it’s after two a.m. so even if they are together they’re almost definitely not engaged in any… activities, but that doesn’t mean I want to be the guy to accidentally intrude on them via Iris Message.

It becomes clear that Will hasn't thought any of this through the way a weirdly obsessed sort of maybe still in the closet son of Hades would when the image comes into focus: a sleeping Percy Jackson. He’s drooling, too. Will whips his head around and glares at me like this is somehow my fault. Then we both see Annabeth on the other side of the bed. Her reaction time is impressive and sort of reminds me of Reyna during our time together with the Athena Parthenos. She opens her eyes (I don’t even know what woke her up because I swear we’re being silent), puts a finger to her lips and then motions for us to wait a second. Then she waves her hand through the mist and cuts the connection. 

“Congrats on this colossal waste of time.” I’m pretty sure Will’s only pretending to be pissed. “What next?”

I don’t bother answering because it’s obvious Annabeth is coming to meet us now and like I said, we’re pretty much a five second walk from Percy’s apartment or a one second jump if you use the fire escape, which Annabeth does.

She turns her land into a roll with practiced skill and comes up standing in front of us with fire in her eyes and her sword arm ready for action. “What?”

“Nothing!” I jump back and trip over Will (he catches and steadies me) and I start again. “I mean, not nothing. Something, but like, nothing bad.” I wish Will would take over but he doesn’t, probably because he enjoys watching me suffer, and also because I’m the jackass who wanted to invite a hostile Annabeth on our sneak out mission. “We’re going on a quest- I mean, we’re taking a short break from camp to… do something-” I remember I still don’t know what our mission is- “and I was wondering if you wanted to come.”

“Oh.” I can’t tell what Annabeth’s thinking at first because she is literally the champion of the poker face when she wants to be, but she lowers her sword, which I take as a good sign, and then a grin spreads across her face and her eyes sparkle with excitement. “Okay!” 

“Really?”

“Yeah! Let me just leave a note for Percy.”

This strikes me as weird- that she’s not even going to wake him up to tell him she’s leaving and even more that she didn’t just assume Percy was part of the invitation. 'Percy can come too if he wants,' I want to say, but the words stick in my throat. Ever since I told the two of them about liking Percy (COMPLETELY in the past now), there of course has been some lingering awkwardness. I don’t want to tell Annabeth to bring Percy because I don’t want her to think that I’m trying to use this to get closer to him. But on the other hand, I don’t want to not invite him because then Annabeth (and Will) will think that I can’t handle being around him because I still like him (I don’t). 

So I stand there between a rock and a hard place until Will pipes up with the ol’ “Percy can come too if he wants,” but it’s funny because he sounds like he wanted to say those words even less than I did. Maybe because bringing Percy along brings up some logistical problem that I don’t know about. I mean, I don’t even know what the quest is for, so maybe a son of Poseidon would somehow be a burden to it. Hey, it’s possible. Or maybe having Percy with Annabeth around would make this situation just a little too close for comfort to a double date vibe- obviously something both Will and I want to avoid. Or maybe he’s thinking the same stuff as I am about me liking Percy and- SHUT UP, I eventually have to yell at myself. 

Annabeth shakes her head. “He can’t, it’s his stepdad’s birthday today. I’ll be right back.” She puts on her Yankee’s cap and disappears, but true to her word she’s back less than a minute later. “I do have one condition, though,” she continues, a wicked glint in her eye.

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Will grumbles under his breath. This is obviously a familiar conversation. 

“I’m inviting Piper.”

Will throws his hands up. “Fine. Gods. But if she asks for a plus one, you’re all going home.” He glares at us.

“Except me,” I venture after a second. “Because I’m your ride.”

“And me,” Annabeth chimes in. “Because I’m Nico’s plus one. And Piper, since she’s my plus one.”

“Alright enough!” Will grabs me by the wrist with one hand and Annabeth with the other like we’re kids. “Everybody shut up and we’ll go get Piper.” So instead of asserting my dominance as a son of Hades who does not like to be touched- much less restrained- I channel my fight or flight instinct into shadow traveling the three of us back to the Hades cabin, officially bringing us full circle before the quest has even begun.


	2. No One Wants to Fuck the Giant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of cursing, which I don't think there was a lot of in the first chapter... so if it bothers anyone, just a heads up. Also mentions of sex.

Piper ends up being more than happy to come with us. I’m not exactly what you’d call close to her, but I’ve spent enough time with Jason that we’re thrown together a lot and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about her, it’s that she takes her reputation as a rebel is really really seriously. She also likes to be labeled as fearless, so of course I have to try to prove her wrong every chance I get. (Don’t blame me- blame my upbringing).

So I mutter a quick “I’ll go get her” to the group and shadow travel to the Aphrodite cabin. I clamp one hand firmly over her mouth, grab onto her as best I can with the other, and transport the both of us back to the Hades cabin where I release her immediately. After the whole “Kill yourself, Di Angelo, literally kill yourself” (Annabeth steps in and disarms me before I can fall prey to Piper’s charmspeak), we explain the quest to her. 

“So this is definitely not allowed, right? We’re sneaking out?”

“Yep,” Will confirms.

“And we don’t know where we’re going? Or when we’ll be back?” We shake our heads. “Great! I’m in.” She doesn’t even ask to bring Jason. 

Everyone turns to me expectantly then because it’s time for me to step into my role of Will-Solace-and-company’s-free-chauffeur. “Everyone grab hands,” Will says with an air of importance, like giving that simple command was all it took to assert his dominance as quest leader. Since he didn’t bother to tell me where to go, and since it’s been sort of a long night of shadow traveling already, I just take us to the bottom of Half-Blood Hill. 

“We’re walking?” Piper asks doubtfully.

“Yep,” Will answers before I have to defend my decision. He gives the stars a cursory glance and nods in the direction I’m facing. “That way.”

We all start walking east and I don’t know, maybe we’re all silent because we’re still well within the Mr.-D-trapping-us-in-grapevines-and-dragging-us-back-to-camp radius, but it occurs to me that this is a strange group. I don't think the four of us have ever been alone together and I don’t know if Will and Piper have ever exchanged words outside of a head councilor’s meeting (or even in one). I decide it’s my job to break the silence. “Let’s play a game. First person to guess what our mission is on this quest gets a prize.”

“What’s the prize?” Piper asks.

“Uh… you get to pick the next game.”

The game is a bust, mostly because Annabeth gets it right first try. “We’re looking for your dad, right, Will?”

“How’d you know!?” He asks, outraged that someone saw through his plan so easily. 

“Cause if my mom was missing, I’d be looking for her, too.” She frowns. “Actually, I did. And also we’re traveling east, towards sunrise. I assume we’re trying to figure out who took over the sun chariot duty. Dawn, or Helios, maybe. They might be able to tell us what’s going on with Apollo, or at least where he was seen last.”

I glance at Will- he looks simultaneously pissed and impressed, but all around speechless. It’s possible that he hadn’t even thought of all that. “I guess we have a winner,” he finally says. “What’s the next game?”

“Um.” Annabeth probably hasn’t had to answer that question in a while. “Uh…”

“Too late!” Will has the exact same wicked grin as his dad, and I have an ominous feeling about what’s going to happen next. “I have the perfect game.” Why, Hades? “Marry, fuck, kill.”

I sigh. Piper rolls her eyes but seems to perk up a little. I’m sure this is a favorite among the Aphrodite kids. Annabeth is looking around in guarded disbelief- she’s not sure how serious Will is, or whether Piper and I are gonna play along. I feel bad for her because I can tell marry/fuck/kill in and of itself is not something she wants to participate in, but she doesn’t even know how far Will takes it. 

Will is tapping his fingers together in front of his face like some kind of evil sorcerer. “First round…” He has to pause for a minute because he’s in danger of losing his shit at how hilarious he thinks he’s about to be. “Coach Hedge, Chiron, and Mellie.”

“You are fucking disgusting, Solace,” Annabeth gripes, cutting off Piper, who looks like she was about to answer. 

“I try.” Will smirks.

“One of those practically raised me, one is a trigger happy weird… teacher figure thing, and the other is-” I’m suddenly terrified that she’s about to say the other one is a woman but she pleasantly surprises me- “well, I don’t know her personally,” she huffs. “But she just had a baby! The game isn’t about dreaming up the most disgusting situation imaginable.” So now Annabeth is the marry/fuck/kill expert. We’ve officially seen everything.

Will gives her a look. “Fine, let’s play your way,” he says sarcastically. “Jason, Percy, Leo. Go.”

“No, you’re supposed to pick, like celebrities or something,” Piper says. “Don’t pick people that we actually know.” She wrinkles her nose. I’m guessing she was about to have to either marry or fuck Leo, which can’t be high on her to-do list. 

“Celebrities? Glad you asked,” Will says, with an air of someone who has been handed a great opportunity to make someone feel disgusting. “Let’s see… Tristen McClean… hmm… what other celebrities do I want to marry, fuck, or kill?”

“Let’s just play Will’s way,” I say quickly before Piper kills Will. At least this way I won’t have to think about whether I’d rather fuck Percy or Jason. 

“Thank you, Nico.” Will says. “Let’s go with… a Hyperborean giant, a gorgon, and a Sphinx.”

Annabeth seems to have recognized the wisdom of my school of thought because she is both comically revolted and formulating her response. 

“Ok I’ve got it!” Piper shouts, beating Annabeth (and me, though I’m not really trying) to the punch. “Kill Medusa, marry the Sphinx, and fuck the giant.”

Will smirks like he has something to say but isn’t going to because it’s funnier for him if we’re all in the dark about this particular thought. He looks at Annabeth inquisitively. 

“Marry the giant, kill the sphinx, and fuck Medusa,” she says, totally straight-faced. 

Will whistles. “Bold choice, Chase.”

“No I feel like you have to kill Medusa.” Piper frowns. “You stop to fuck her, you’re getting turned to stone.”

Will: “I think I’d want to be turned to stone after fucking Medusa.”

Me (stupidly): “Eye contact and fucking aren’t mutually inclusive.”

Annabeth, eyeing me with a spark of friendship in her eye: “I’d fuck her with a paper bag over her head, just to be sure.” 

“Paper being the operative word,” I agree.

“Well yeah, you could see through plastic. Plus she could suffocate and then I’d have to swap out the sphinx and I refuse to have relations with a sphinx.”

I decide not to share my next thought which is that Medusa’s head might prove crucial to the fucking in Annabeth’s situation so either kind of bag could bring up unforeseen logistical problems. Which just isn’t what you want when you’re having sex with a monster that can turn you to stone. You know? 

“Kill Medusa, marry the Hyperborean, and fuck the Sphinx,” I say because Will has turned to look at me expectantly. 

He purses his lips at this and I’m 99% sure that he’s thinking something like 'hey Nico, the reason I included monsters of both genders in this game wasn’t so you could decide to not fuck the guy,' but I stand by my decision. Marry/fuck/kill is a game devoid of sexual orientations, at least the way Will plays it. I send him back a look that I hope conveys 'just because I’m gay doesn’t mean you can strip me of my basic human right to not want contact with a giant blue frozen dick.' Unfortunately, he probably reads it as 'please keep embarrassing me, I live for this.'

“And you?” I prompt him.

“Oh I’m fucking the giant.” He nods thoughtfully. “Definitely fucking the giant. And I’d say kill Medusa, marry the sphinx,” he tacks on like an afterthought. He’s looking around like he’s waiting for someone to be like OMFG you’re gay??? No effin’ way. But that’s not how these things work because 1) we all already know even though he hasn’t directly told any of us, 2) as I said before, choosing a Hyperborean giant over Medusa does not reflect on your sexuality, and 3) Annabeth decides to speak up then. 

“To be fair, I am the only one of us who’s actually interacted with all three, so…” She somehow manages to sound like a know-it-all even under these circumstances, but I sense sarcasm under the surface.

“So you’ll take the lead next time we have to decide between sex with Medusa and sex with a sphinx,” I deadpan.

“You keep forgetting the giant,” Will notes.

“NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK A HYPERBOREAN GIANT, WILL!”

“Classic overcompensation,” Piper tells Will sagely.

“No he’s right, it’s actually a huge problem.” Huh? “That’s why they’re going extinct,” Annabeth informs us.

Well, now we all feel terrible. Here we are bickering about marry/fuck/killing the poor guys when it turns out there are a limited number of them. Will shakes his head and makes this soft whistling sound to indicate shock and sadness. “No shit?”

Annabeth cracks a smile. “You guys are way too easy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoyed that! Let me know what you think! (I found this really hilarious to write, but for all I know I'm not as funny as I think I am and people are walking away from this chapter grossed out.) Not much in the way of plot, but we should be getting into it within the next few chapters.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so Nico's confusion about Annabeth's living situation is actually my own and the Brooklyn thing is totally random but I figure she can't afford an apartment in Manhattan. Does anyone know where Annabeth actually lives during Trials of Apollo??   
> Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed this! Let me know what you think! There will be more coming soon-ish with Piper and eventually Jason and Percy.


End file.
